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August 31 Big girls don't cryAs another sleepless night comes to its end, my brain kept running as if it quitted resting forever or being afraid of what a new day can bring to me. My right arm is my pillow, the left one is my own hug.
I was always in control. I could see what was coming and being prepared long before. I had a clear view on my relationships with people. I had no problem expressing myself and feeling being understood; moreover, I could read between the lines when people talk to me or write to me. I knew exactly what I should do. I certainly had problems to deal with, but I dealt with them as if they were all challenges which existed just for me to solve for fun and to prove something to myself. Even if I had thing I couldn’t digest, I built a wall around it and had the ability to not touch it and let it die inside of the castle I built. Content, confident and comfortable; that’s what I was.
One major element, along with all other factors came into my life. I lost it. Not in control anymore, can’t see clearly, can’t behave correctly, can’t think straight, can’t decide without hesitation, and can’t smile with happiness.
What made me so desperate, so hopeless, so helpless, so vulnerable?
Somehow, I figured out. The fact is, I have never learned how to deal with sadness, how to come to face to face with the distraction, how to swallow the disappointments, how to pull myself together when I am in pieces.
Maybe I should be feeling fortunate for that. Because that means, I have never needed to learn that lesson, never was necessary for me to take the course which is call “sadness management”. That’s true, life was very kind to me, sailing smoothly till recently, life was simple for me, and it allowed me to be insane sometimes as well as childish or naïve from time to time. Never being punished, therefore, never learned.
So now what? I am taking the course anyways, will I have a grade high than a C? So that my GPA for the life program will be having a great overall? Is it really a necessity in life? Is it has to be this painful and bitter? To the point which I could not bear emotionally and physically?
It’s time to be a big girl now, and big girls don’t cry.
July 14 Funeral in redI would never imagined that next time that I see D, she will be in a box called coffin. I was told that I would have to wear something red because that was her last request: ask everyone to wear red for me, not black or white. Well, D, don’t you worry. I will pick the “redest” of the red, to cherish your moment. As loud as red, her life and heart. This is the second time that I witness a loss. Dr. Khalifa was the first one. He was a professor in political science and he has his own school. At the time, my English was so poor that I had to carry a dictionary with me all the time, but he never made fun of me. I had a part time job in his school. I remember once someone asked me: how do you find Montreal? I did not get the question at all. I was thinking, how? Do I find? What does it mean? How do I find? On the map? The internet? Or what? That was an embarrassing moment because the question was so simple and my face was so red. “ She finds Montreal is very attractive; in fact she is in love with the city. Right, Jingjing?” Dr. Khalifa answered for me, with a sip of tea. I was in a very confusing stage at that time. Dr. Khalifa talked to me many times; whatever he said seemed light but felt heavy afterwards. He taught how to laugh at yourself and move on. I couldn’t communicate with him very well because of my limited language ability. Looking back, I really wish that I could understand him better and have one last long talk with him. He died of a heart attack. He was 70. He invited me for Sushi on my 20th birthday. I loved sushi ever since. As for D, she had a rare cancer, of her eye. It was so aggressive. It took over her lung, and her life. Very fast, from the first day she went into the hospital till she asked everyone to wear red, not more than 10days. Maybe it’s a treat. Less pain, less waiting. She was, oh my God, I wrote “WAS” , a very pound person. If she had to lose all her hair and suffer from the treatments, I bet she ‘d rather die. Then, she always had plans for the future. She said to me that she was going to the states for her grandchildren. D wears make up and perfume. She carried herself as a lady. She left, she is only 55. Dr. Khalifa is sleeping on the valley of “ Mont-Royal”. My own eyes saw how the box went in to the ground. As it disappeared in front of my eye, I could hear Dr. Khalifa was saying: “ Man, I can’t believe all these people actually showed up.” As years go by, I sometimes see him sitting his favorite coffee shop or chatting with someone on the street. When that happens, I immediately turn my head to another direction. I ‘d rather believe that was him, not some other people deceived my eyes. I have many pictures of D in my computer. I recalled that we have breakfast in Chez Cora many times. See? This picture, she is having her pie. I can’t accept the fact that she is gone forever. Who is going to correct my French now? This is one of the moments that I wish I am religious, so that I can convince myself that they are still existing, somewhere around; so that I can tell myself that they know I miss them deeply and thank them for everything; so that I will keep hoping they will smile back to me, in my dream.
July 12 The periodYeah, let’s talk about the period, the one that all women get. I remember the first time I got mine. It was the last summer of my primary school. I wasn’t sure that was the legendary period that I have been hearing about and my friends were keep getting. Is that it? Or did I hurt myself? I finally told my mom and wasn’t sure about her reaction. Out of my surprise, mom gave me a lesson, in clam. She said, my jingjing, you are an adult now. I asked, what do I need this period for? What does it do? Why do I have it? Mom explained, it means that you are just like me; you can be a mom too. You will have to be responsible about what you do. I kept asking, is it a bad thing? Oh no, my baby. It is a sign. It means you are not a kid anymore. It will come and visit you every month to remind you that you are a girl, a lady, and a woman. That was the very first impression I had on my period. I remember my dad even bought me a cake to congratulate me and my grandparents called to tell me that they are happy that I had became a lady. The fact was, my heart and soul was so young and I need my family’s support so much. Luckily, I got more than enough and I had never felt a ashamed or troubled by the period. My period is always on time. I can feel when it’s coming. I will become so lazy and sleepy. My tummy feels warm and heavy. Then, I know another month has past. Sometimes I imagine that I am in a place where there is no clock and calendars; I will still be able to tell how many days or months have past. My period is smooth on me. I never had horrible pain or non-stop sweating. The only problem I have is that I will have terrible headache at the beginning and the end of my period. I got it from my mom. She was so hoping that I would not get the same problem as her, but I still did. I am happy in a way; I am her daughter. If you are a man, you will never understand the feeling of having period, which is a pity. You will never have an urge for sitting down; you will never have to say no to ice creams on some days; you will never check the back of your pants when you get up from a chair; you will never experience the pain, as if a ton is hanging a single hair; you will never feel there is a fountain on your body and you just have no control over it. A women’s period is like an alarm, it tells you everything about your body and life. When women have their periods, they may not appreciate it, till it finished completely, out of their lives, then ladies would say, oh, there is something missing…A woman can be moody when she is having her period, she could be very sensitive, isn’t that the best time to see who truly cares about you ? Some say, the world belongs to man, because women are weak. They say women are useless, because God gave them period to make them weaker than man. I say, shut up, you. Do you know that having period means youth, energy and maturity? Can you deny that women are the birth givers to all the generations? Have you notice all women can bear the pain from their period even delivery? And this period, month after month, from age of 14, every 28 days, it arrives, till a woman’s body makes a new life, isn’t that a pure miracle? How can you not treat a woman, every woman like treasures?
June 10 A giftIf you have received a gift,
Would you rip off the wrapping paper and open it right away? Or, would you untie the bow and unfold the pack slowly?
Would you wear it if it was a dress? Would you swallow it if it was a piece of chocolate? Would you spend it if it was hot cash? Would you hang it if it was a paint? Or, Would keep it under your pillow and only look at it before you sleep? Would you hide it in your secrete box and smile whenever you see it? Would you wipe it, clean it, rub it as time goes by? Would you hold it against your heart in silence?
Would you like to show and share the moment with others? Or, would you enjoy the pleasure by yourself?
Have you ever realized that maybe you are a gift to someone? Or, have you ever realized that someone is a gift to you? And have you appreciated the arrival time and treated it right?
In the year of dog2006, the year of dog, my sign, my cycle, my fate. 0607, my birthday, Gemini, my destiny.
Things are happening, visible and invisible, tangible or in tangible. So many that my small brain cannot digest all at once and my words wouldn’t get together or come out.
The birthday, people ask me how I spent my time and what I did to cerebrate. Well, I was resting on a bench in the dog park. I decided to lie down and enjoy the breeze; sunshine danced on my cheek though the leaves. I think I actually slept for a minute or two. Out of nowhere, I heard the “ happy birthday” song! Oh my dear God! I saw my friends who I met in the park and I only know their dog names instead of theirs. My jaw was dropped. “ Oh, Thank you guys so much. What a surprise!” “ Hey, you thought we forgot, didn’t you?” They even brought me beer in an ice bag and all other snacks. I hugged and kissed everyone, I was so happy that I felt dizzy. People who I know this little cerebrated my birthday; the home coming birthday which I planned for so long did not happen. Life is full of surprises. Surprises are good.
The graduation, which I am not going to attend. Why? Well, I have earned my degree and I don’t need a ceremony to witness this. I ‘d rather talk to Taizi and tell him all the stories about my professors and make paper planes from my assignments. I don’t think I will miss my university. I will however keep seeing myself sitting in a classroom or arguing with group mates or drinking the 11th coffee of the day to study. If I have achieved something in pure loneliness, whom else is better than myself to cerebrate with?
I find myself smiling, in all situations.
January 31 What would you say?Question: If you are alone in a classroom and writing an exam, your teacher left the room and told you that she will be back in 2 hours to pick up your exam. Assume that no one will never find out if you cheat, would you cheat now?
My Answer: Yes.
Explanation: Well, since we are graded based on how we do in the exams, we are valued by our grades, we are judged by our diplomas, we are picked according to our certificates; since our wealth is based on our income and our income is converted in to currency; since our well being in according to our wealth, our wealth is depend on our jobs, and we get better jobs if we have better grades in the school and better grades are coming from well done exams; since the education is not about develop a better personality, education is not about honesty, education is not about self achievement, education is not about satisfy the desire of knowledge and now education means exams; since my abilities and skills and spirit are all supposed to be showed on the exam paper, I will say, what the hell, let’s cheat. And I would ask, is it me who cheated on the education system, or is it the education system cheated on me? And if the system had twisted the definition of education, why does is care even if I cheated on a tiny little exam? A minor sin, isn’t it? November 14 Thank you for being alive, M.He said the car hit him while he was trying to cross Guy Street from Maisonneuve, and he had crossed this street at least ten thousand times. He said he just had a tea in Tim Horton’s near by. He said he was going home to continue writing his C++ book. He said it was raining. He said, a black man called for the ambulance and told him everything is going to be ok. He said the nurses kept asking him what his name is and when his birthday is to make sure that his brain was still functioning and he thought they were kidding and said I don’t want no girlfriend.
M had a horrible car accident last Wednesday night; he is now lying in Montreal General Hospital dealing with the pain. It was really close; we could have lost him that night. His left arm is completely dislocated and broken in a few places, his forehead is cut and his nose is twisted. I saw him the after the accident, his head was as big as a water melon. Luckily, his brain is 100% ok and that’s why he is still joking around with his arm hanging.
What if he had one more sip of his tea, would he just miss the car by a second? What if some friends came to him and started talking to him in Tim Horton’s, would he then misses this accident? What if the driver hit a red light before he reaches Guy, would he miss M and go home as usual? What if the car had a break problem, would M leave us just like that?
If there was no accident, would I ever wonder what it could be? So, what am I missing everyday in the name of luck and what am I hitting in the name of fate?
I still remember Dr. Khalifa, he died during his lecture in the classroom. A spilt second. It was so unreal, I mean we were eating sushi a day before, we were going to have a coffee and maybe talk about 911 a day after, and then, everything seemed so meaningless, because Dr. Khalifa wasn’t even alive. What plan, what school, what investment, what?
M could have left us just like Dr. Khalifa did, he really could and now what we would be doing? Thinking about him and crying for him? Saying what a good man he was and wish one last joke from him? Feeling him nail biting habit suddenly become so cute even though it was annoying?
So, what s the point of having money house car watch jewelry stocks, if we knew we are going to die next week, what would we do now? Death is just living next door and he might as well knock on us, anytime soon. Maybe, being alive is the best thing, because then everything is possible.
M, be well soon and I am going to make some good food for you. Be safe, everyone. October 31 Why do we write BLOG?Some say it’s because that’s the trend right now, everyone seems to have a space or even two and it’s not cool to not have one. Some say it’s just like email address, you create a page that is highly customized with your pictures and words. Some say, well, lots of things are happening everyday, and it’s kinda a waste if we don’t record it. Some say writing is my habit, what’s your problem. I say, we write BLOG, mainly because we are lonely. Correct, many things are happening and we would like to remember them. So, why can’t we just write a letter to a close friend? Why can we just call up a friend and talk about it? Why do we have to write down what we did and what we think on a web page that is not even tangible? Is it because we have nobody to talk to? Is it because we don’t what to share with people who know our true identities? Or, maybe we are afraid to say what we really think we those who know us? Maybe because we have to write it down on the web , otherwise no one will ever know what we are doing and how our lives are… If we really want to keep things private, why can’t we write dairies in a notebook, a paper made traditional notebook and add a lock on it? Because a part of us don’t want be that private, we want to hear what others say, we need to know what others think, we are so desperately to find out what the feedbacks are, only not from those who know us, who see us. Yet, we are hiding, behind the monitors, be whoever we want to be. Don’t we have better things to do? Other than typing BLOG? No, we don’t, we have time alone, we hate being alone and doing nothing, so we type, we write, we pretend to be very busy and cool. We wish and we pray people come to our spaces to read, to leave comments, to like us, and we check if there are any comments on the space, first thing when we start our computers. We want aruments, we need agreements...We are trying to convenes ourselves that we are not alone and we are connected to the world as long as the internet works, but we feel lonely , deep inside, only we don’t say, we don’t show, we don’t think about it. If we do think about it, we only write it out or maybe even admit it on our spaces. So, should we be sad if this is a fact, or should we be happy, becasue we have our spaces, at least? The spoon manAnyone who lives or have visited Montréal knows him, maybe not by the name of “ the spoon man”, but for sure by the image of the guy who sits in front of Ogilvy Shopping Center and plays a strange music instrument, of course with his weird fur hat in the winter. This “spoon man” is a symbol of downtown Montreal now, sometimes I see a tourist bus passes by and the guider would say “people, on your left side is the spoon man.” Yes, he is a view now. Many people stop and give him some changes or take a picture of him. I have also seen him on TV doing some interviews. Many people consider him as an artiste and invite him to play on important occasions. Especially, the “spoon” is an ancient music instrument in Quebec.
These days, if you pass by, the spoon man will ask for your signature instead of some changes. Why? Apparently, some people don’t enjoy his music at all and they think his spoon playing is a horrible noise which pollutes the environment of downtown Montréal. And, they swear that they will not come back to shop in Ogilvy unless the spoon man is not there. Guess what, he is still tapping and he has his fans and supporters all over the place.
I heard that he used to be a technician and unfortunately his factory closed down, that’s why he had to find a new way to make a living. Something like that. People say that he has been playing his spoon for almost 10 years now. 10 years, almost everyday, he is always there, from 8 in the morning till maybe 6 in the afternoon. Isn’t that a job as well? Isn’t it better than sitting at home and waiting for the welfare cheque? Isn’t that a contribution to local art in some way?
From a jobless guy to a local celebrity, that’s the spoon man. If you ever have a chance to pass him by, give him a dollar or two and sign his petition sheet. By the way, his name is Estève. July 06 Opportunity costBefore I write anything, let’s see what opportunity cost is. Definition: An accounting/economics term referring to the value of something given up to pursue something else. For example, if an asset such as capital is used for one purpose, the opportunity cost is the value of the next best purpose the asset could have been used for. In plain English, opportunity cost is the value of what you gave up. Well, we are all making choices, unconsciously or intentionally. We usually choose one thing over another, sometimes; even one person over another. Opportunity cost is a cruel thing and the person who reminded the rest of us must be a crueler guy because he/she reminded us how helpless we all are. For those of us who are on diet, we gave up the sweetness of chocolates and candies, we gave up mouthwatering steaks and pizzas, we gave up crispy chips and French fries, what we may get is one slim body. For those of us who are in university, we gave up the chances of traveling and partying, we gave up the possibilities of making money if we had gone working or open up a business, we gave up the time which we could sleep and watch movies, what we may get is one diploma. For those of us who are married, we gave up the excitements of have one night stand, we gave up the joy of receiving flowers from different people, we gave up the happy go lucky spirit, what we may get is a house on mortgage and a baby one the way. We choose to be a teacher, we may not be able to feel the pressure and tightness of the stock market; we choose to be a banker, we may not be able to grab a handful of fresh berries everyday if we were farmers. We live in London, we are thinking about Beijing, ; we go to Beijing, we wonder what New York is like. We have a bunch of choices and we can pick only one. Whichever we pick, we had to pay the price, which is the rest of the choice list. There is no such a thing as free choice. And, doesn’t matter which one we pick we have to lose the rest, shall we call it a lose lose situation? No wonder we ask ourselves often, is it worth it? If we know we are losing anyways, why many of us are calculating all the time?
Opportunity cost exists no matter what. The point is, knowing what we have to give up for should make us more serious and calm when it comes to a decision time. Once it is done, there is little benifit to say something like should've, could've, or would've; just be glad with what you have, after all no one can have everthing. June 27 Kiss or KillI was walking in a park, and I saw a beautiful dog on the lawn. It was a Golden Retriever and the owner seemed to be a very friendly woman. She smiled at me and I decide to pet the dog. “Very nice dog you have, I have always wanted one.” I said to her. “Oh yes, He is my baby, he is 13 now.” She replied, “I spent $70 yesterday on him, just for grooming. I love him.” “ Wow, expensive, but as you said, he is your baby.” “So, where are you from, my dear?” “I am Chinese.” “Oh, so, do you people really eat dogs there?” Shit, not this question again. I don’t know how many times I have been asked, the answer is yes. Just before you say anything or start looking at me as if I am a monster, let me say something. Yes, in China, we eat dogs. I am very sorry to say, we also put cats, rats, donkeys on the plates. When you live in somewhere, especially since your birth, everything seems so normal and you think everything is supposed to be that way. Looking back, I wonder why, why we are not satisfied with pork, beef and lamb? Why do we have to bother the monkeys, bears, and snakes? Isn’t the purpose of eating is to gain energy and to keep alive? Since when eating become an endless pleasure? Why do we have to try to taste another meat? I don’t know. You may say the reason is China has too many people and they have to eat everything that they can find. You may say Chinese have to respect to the nature and all cruel. I will disagree. I have to admit, I ate dogs. However, it doesn’t make me to be a cold blood person. Unless you are a vegetarian from day one, other wise you have no right to judge me, and Chinese. What is the difference between killing a cow and killing a dog? Why we are not considered to be cruel when we eat pork? Because pork is supposed to be food? Says who? I have to say, if I were a dog, I will immigrant myself to Canada as soon as I can. For dogs, there is no differences between Canada and Heaven. I mean, look at how people treat dogs here, they kiss the dogs, they sleep with the dogs, they talk to the dogs, yes yes, they love dogs. Let just be objective, Dog is dog. Dog is not a human being, so just treat it as an animal, as a dog. I know how a dog can give its unconditional love and loyalty, but come on, let it be a dog. On the other hand, dog is not a piece of crap, don’t treat them like shit. How can you kill your dog which has been withyou for 5, 6, 7years and eat it? How can you do that? As a conclusion, two thing. First, dog is a dog. either kill or kiss is a bit too extreme. Second, there are many subjects you can discuss with me when I say I am a Chinese, just let the dog issue go. May 30 Ain't my fingers' faultI find myself still wearing the ring I bought last year, on my little finger, right hand. Surprise, surprise, usually I get fed up with my jewelries in a very short time. It wasn’t a pleasant “buying experience” I remember and left me in wonder. I walked in a jewelry store on TianYi center a few days before my birthday and wanted to buy a small ring for myself. It wasn’t a huge store but many sellers, all female. I think the average distance between was less than 5 m. As I approach, two of them ended their conversation with other girls and came to me. “ so, what is it you are looking for ah?” “ I am thinking of a small ring, for my little finger.” “ Little finger?” “You? Usually boys buy rings for the little fingers.” “Really? I didn’t know, do you have? ” “Give me your hand; let me see your finger size.” …… “Ah, such a small hand!” …… “Why little finger? Why not the other ones? “ “ I don’t know why, really…” “Ok. Ok, here, all of them are here, you choose” “I don’t want any stones on top, and I want a simple plain platinum one.” “ Then, you only have 4~5 choices.” “ May I try?” “ Ok.” …… “ I like this one, but…do you think you have a smaller size?” “Smaller size? What smaller size? I told you, your hand is too small and your fingers are too thin too fine… These little finger rings, for you can be used as the middle finger rings.” …… That was it, I walked out of the store and kept thinking: What kind of sells person was that? So, it is my problem that my hand is small; it is my fault that my fingers are very thin. Maybe it’s because that I am a commerce student, unintentionally I expected others to look at the world from a business point of view. Ok, let’s just be an ordinary consumer. Can’t she see that I was very much willing to pay? Can’t she offer to customize one for me? Can she at least say “oh, our rings are too big” instead of “oh, your fingers are too fine”? ... Just like that, a cash cow walked away… I have a real problem with this “ New world order” theory, which says that Europe and North America are the regions where services are provided in order to gain income; and the third world country such as China, still has no sense of service and base its economy on manufacture and exporting raw material. A statement like that makes me sad and mad, yet, it is a truth which I cannot deny. These days, China is the focus, whoever you talk to have some thoughts towards China. They either think China is going to take over the world in 30 years, or they are planning to go there and make some easy money. Some of them started to learn Chinese; some of them refuse to accept the fact that China can export cars. People have mixed feelings towards China, so do I. I finally got my ring in another store, not that they provided better services only they had some rings in my size accidentally. I am just worried, after companies and stores owned my other countries open in China, and how many people will walk away from Chinese stores and pay in the others. So, this huge Chinese market will be shared by others, and tell me it is not an invasion. May 06 The prefect endingI met “little cow” on QQ, she told me that she may have to break up with her boyfriend.
If the boyfriend of my “little cow” left her for another girl; if the boyfriend’s family don’t accept “ little cow”; if “little cow” meets another attractive guy; if they figure out that they have different life goals after one year being together;… these are all other possibilities. And none of them is better than the one “little cow” currently has.
When the relationship has come to the end, what kind of endings are acceptable? And why is it so difficult to face an ending?
Because we remember too well, so that when we eat we remember his/her favorite General Tao chicken; the moment we step into a coffee shop we taste his/her black coffee; we hear his/her humming when we look at the empty kitchen and all the sudden, our sofa feels like his/her hug. We can still see two of us walking down the street, laughing and joking when we are just dragging our own feet alone.
Because we are thinking about forever, and can’t believe forever comes to the end much sooner that we expected. We thought that we would be sweet and caring to each other just like in the fairy tales. Or, we are also thinking, am I not good enough for you? My love and emotions are wasted?! Is there anything that being miscalculated?
Because we are all alone and don’t want to admit this fact. We need someone to back us up, to promise that he/she will be there forever, to love and accept whatever we are… aren’t we asking to much? Is it true that we fall in love because we don’t want to be alone any more?
So, what is an end? is there ever an end? is there ever a prefect ending? And is there anything prefect? Maybe , while we are learning how to love and how to deal with our relationships, we should also learn how to let it go and give up.
Sometimes you just know, it's time. April 26 Last year this timeLast year this time, I was busy packing because I was going home. I went back home twice since I left. The first time was in the summer of 2002. It was more like an escape form Canada. I was very confused and frustrated. I wasn’t sure what to do and I felt so helpless and extremely lonely. On top of that, I had to keep all of these inside and offer happy faces. At that time, I hadn’t been accepted by any universities and my self-esteem was very low. I had doubts in myself. I wanted to go home because I know I was weak inside, I miss my home. And I had to go back and to treat my homesick and gain some energy. When I saw my parents in the airport, I knew I was home again. I was safe again. I was a baby again. I was home for 2 months; everything for me was just like before, before I left, I mean everything. All the arguments that I had with my mom, all the discussions I had with my dad, all the laughs, all the tears, nothing less…I was home, physically and mentally. To me, at that time, I belong to my home, I'll always come back to my home, and the journey to Canada is just an interlude. Last year I went back home again, a different story. I was much happier because things are going well in Canada, I know what I was doing and I sort of know where I was going. I knew I was different, I don’t know how to describe. It’s like something affected me from inside out, cell by cell. Even though my appearances didn’t change much, my soul did. I felt I was looking at my home and my people with the eyes of a visitor. I was home for 4 months, very long time, yet , I was always ready to leave, and I knew I would leave again, soon. I was thinking, about many things, mixed feelings. I realized that once I left home, I can only be back physically. Being back home is an interlude… People think that might because Canada is better than China, no, that is not true, Canada is different from China only, not better. I don’t know, I think it has to do with “ get used to “. It’s normal to have a culture shock when you just arrive to another country, but I had culture shock when I got back to China. Twice.I will never be a 100% Canadian, that I know, but , will I still be a 100% Chinese? I don’t think so. So, where do I belong now? Last year this time, I was packing, this year this time, I am trying to put my thoughts down... April 14 Work, Buy, Eat, Die...I was waiting for the shuttle bus yesterday. The girl in front of me has at least a hundred Pins on her school bag. Like many different eyes, staring at me. There was one, has “Work, Buy, Eat, Die” printed on vertically. Clear and clean. I started to think, is that all we do? Are these four activities really the major tasks that we are performing? We do work, and we work hard. In a broad sense, I mean, studying is working too. Studying is more like pre-working. You see, you study hard enough in your primary school so that you can get in to a good middle school; you study even harder in your middle school to get into a good high school; then you study your ass off in your high school to get into a good university; then you cut off all your society life and devote your time on studying in the university; goes on and on, master, PhD, CA, CMA…For what? For that you can have a job which has a cool title and handsome income. Of course, the “better” job requires more responsibilities, more tasks, more meetings, more flights, more this more that. Why? Because we want to have a better CV later on, so that we will be able to have a higher position, also, naturally, more income. It sounds so hard. Like a long endless journey. The more you work, the more difficult goals appear after you reach one. Why are we still doing so? Because we want to buy, oh, yes, we do. We want to be beautiful, so we buy, we buy this cream that lotion, this shampoo that gel, this dress that suit, not mentioning any jewelry; we pay more our hair, nails, eyelashes; We all have interests, so we pay for gym club, plane ticket, music instruments, dog bed, cat food; we all need entertainment, so, here we go, movie, MP3, CD/DVD, cable TV, high speed internet…We pay, by cash, chque, interact, credit card…any way that can decrease our savings and increase our level of satisfaction. Eating, oh, Gosh. Do I have to write about it? The pleasure coming from eating is undesirable. We have too many choices, we don’t know, should we have eggs, fries, toasts for breakfast, or should we have coffee with bagel, or porridge might better, or cereal, or oatmeal, or maybe just juice? We are not sure what to eat for lunch now, do we have lots of time for lunch today? Not Enough time for sushi? Or pasta? Or Chinese? Only enough for pizza, for KFC, for a sandwich? Do we drink anything? 7up? Water? Tea? Finally, Dinner. At home, or going out , first of all. Then, what is on the menu? Rice, noodle, potato; pork, chicken, beef; fish, shrimp, clam; eggplant, carrot, pea; which one to choose? And how do we want it? Do we realize how much we are eating and the whole day we have been think, wonder what I am gonna eat today? Day after day. We don’t have much of the control in terms of dying. So we try not to, so we pay for our doctors, lawyers and accountants sometimes; we have bills for medications, treatment, and we will die anyways. So, let’s see. Perhaps if there is anything that we do more than “work, buy, eat, die”, we should be proud of ourselves. So, what else did you do? Since when most of us think and value life in the same and only way: we keep thinking about high positions, quality food, bigger house, latest equipments, and fancy cars; yet, we are not as happy as we used to be. Are we missing anything? Something that is not measurable by any currencies? Something that is not for our physical needs? Something else, I mean, something else.
Life is short. You are capable. More than you think. April 08 Jane Fonda's DiseasePaula Zahn said that if you type “Jane Fonda” on the Google, you will probably get more then 770,000 sites about her. Why? Because she has the beauty, she has the fame and she was in North Vietnam and became a radio anchor for the Vietnamese troop. That was a very controversy action she took. I admired her for that.
I honestly didn’t know about her. But since the day I knew her story, I though about her as a hero, as a voice in the history till yesterday. I watched an interview of her on CNN last night. She said that she was sorry about what she did in Vietnam, in her heart she wasn’t against the campaign that American troop was exercising in Vietnam. Well, as many Americans do, they regret about what they did and claim that they are different now.
What can I say about that really? I only felt a twisted bitterness. What she said was worse, much worse then all others who didn’t speak the truth at the first place, worse the those who are called” baby killers”, worse then those who cheered for American troops when they decide to attach another country under the name of justice.
During the interview, Jane confessed that she has a kind of disease. She called it “The disease of please”. What an excuse! That seems to explain her life. That means, everything which is not so perfect is caused by the damn disease,not her. For pleasing her first husband, she accept the fact that her husband kept inviting other women into their bed; for the second husband, who was an political activist, she went to Vietnam; and for her third husband, she quit Hollywood to be a housewife. So, what can the conclusion be? Whatever she did was for others? Whatever she did was not from her heart nor her believe? What kind of explanation is that? As if she was not she, as if she was so innocent for whatever she did…
Well, maybe after the third divorce, she decided to please the public by apologizing for the trip she took to Vietnam. I am sure it is hard for her to deal with all the blames and all the attention from the media. Maybe in her heart she knows that what American did in Vietnam wasn’t right. And, yet she got tired, especial the second husband is not with her anymore…
I am very disappointed by her. My heart sunk. I feel being deceived. Whatever. Maybe I should expect too much out of her, maybe she is just another star who were looking for publicity.
However, this"The disease to please" really bothers me. Maybe all of us have this horrible disease. More or less. I think so. I am trying to please many people. Intentionally or not intentionally. I hope there is a cue to deal with this disease. Why should we spend our dear lives to please others? Why? How much are we giving up for others? Are we all actors by nature? And, do we realize how much others are giving up to please us? Do we ever?
Live as if you are going to die tomorrow-----for RenrenI just can’t get him out of my mind. I keep wondering what his final thoughts were, did he feel any pain or not. He is one of my relative. His heart was missing a corner, from the day he was born. His whole life is a counting down. I feel so sorry for him, and for his mother. If I were her, I’d rather be told that my baby is died on the delivery day. Just think about all the awful moments she has to face and keep them down, and tell her son everything will be just fine.
We are all thinking about live and death, more or less, me too. Then, we don’t know the answer, such as, when I die, where I will die, or for which cause I will die. But, for him, it is so clearly form day one that he would die at very young age and the cause would be his heart.
I am sure we all have many plans. For some reason, we are postponing them; some of them will be postponed forever. For example, get a tattoo, get a crazy hair, have a few dogs, paint the whole house, visit a certain place, Etc. We have a list somewhere in our heart. We are thinking, it’s ok, I have lots of time and I will make them became true later.
What if we knew we are going to die very soon, like, next year, next month, next week or maybe tomorrow? What would we do differently? Would we be kind to our co-workers? Would me send a greeting to a “longtime-no –see” friend? Would we say sorry for the mistake we made? Would we say I love you to our lovers? Would we be brave enough to finally get a huge tattoo? Would we have the greatest meal and think forget about the diet? I mean, really, if you knew you were going to die, what would you do as soon as possible?
That’s what I am imagining right now, and I will keep whatever thoughts I have in mind. Life is too short to be wasted. Live as if we are going to die real soon, and when the final moments come, we have less should’ve , could’ve, would’ve.
April 07 me and writingI remember that I used to write, a lot, when I was a teenager. I wrote about my family, my friends, my dreams, my silly thoughts, my complains, you name it. I love the process of writing. It’s like to gather all my thoughts and feelings together with all my energy. And then, convert them into words; fill up one page after another... I usually write fast, as if the passion will slip away real soon. When I read my own writing after some time, I can't believe that came out from me. I like to learn about myself that way. I don’t know why exactly I stopped my relationship with my pen. Maybe I lost my confidence since I have to write stuff in another language, I wasn’t sure if I could make my point clear enough or if I can express myself like I was able to. Maybe, the journey to Canada was tough, so tough that I didn’t even want to leave a trace for myself that later on can remember all the tears and pain. I am lucky, I have to say. I have gained something that I didn’t imagine that I would ever be able to. And, I am not afraid to tell my weakness and failure anymore. I think that just a part of growing up. Isn’t it? Life is full of surprises. No one knows what will be happening tomorrow, all we have is today, is now, is this moment. It will be a waste if I don’t keep some records for myself. It's cool to see the path that I have taken. Also, by writing, I can kind of think many things straight out. I am much happier now. By the way, No matter what my physical age is, I am a teenager for life. |
She said the reason is something related to the reality and said because of those unchangeable facts, they knew they wouldn't be end up together. She said this is not the prefect ending, and she doesn't want this to be ended this way. I agree, but is there any endings can be called “prefect”?
Or can we really compare one to another?
Ok, let’s say we get married with the better half. Is this the prefect end now? Or is it just another beginning of another yet rougher journey? Do marriages guarantee anything? 
Do we mean it when we say " I will love you forever"? Yes , we do, at that particular moment.
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