Welcome to my life...

 As another sleepless night comes to its end, my brain kept running as if it quitted resting forever or being afraid of what a new day can bring to me. My right arm is my pillow, the left one is my own hug.  

I was always in control. I could see what was coming and being prepared long before. I had a clear view on my relationships with people. I had no problem expressing myself and feeling being understood; moreover, I could read between the lines when people talk to me or write to me. I knew exactly what I should do. I certainly had problems to deal with, but I dealt with them as if they were all challenges which existed just for me to solve for fun and to prove something to myself. Even if I had thing I couldn’t digest, I built a wall around it and had the ability to not touch it and let it die inside of the castle I built. Content, confident and comfortable; that’s what I was.

One major element, along with all other factors came into my life. I lost it. Not in control anymore, can’t see clearly, can’t behave correctly, can’t think straight, can’t decide without hesitation, and can’t smile with happiness.  

What made me so desperate, so hopeless, so helpless, so vulnerable?

Somehow, I figured out. The fact is, I have never learned how to deal with sadness, how to come to face to face with the distraction, how to swallow the disappointments, how to pull myself together when I am in pieces.

Maybe I should be feeling fortunate for that. Because that means, I have never needed to learn that lesson, never was necessary for me to take the course which is call “sadness management”. That’s true, life was very kind to me, sailing smoothly till recently, life was simple for me, and it allowed me to be insane sometimes as well as childish or naïve from time to time. Never being punished, therefore, never learned.

So now what? I am taking the course anyways, will I have a grade high than a C? So that my GPA for the life program will be having a great overall? Is it really a necessity in life? Is it has to be this painful and bitter? To the point which I could not bear emotionally and physically?

It’s time to be a big girl now, and big girls don’t cry.

I would never imagined that next time that I see D, she will be in a box called coffin. I was told that I would have to wear something red because that was her last request: ask everyone to wear red for me, not black or white. Well, D, don’t you worry. I will pick the “redest” of the red, to cherish your moment. As loud as red, her life and heart.

This is the second time that I witness a loss. Dr. Khalifa was the first one. He was a professor in political science and he has his own school. At the time, my English was so poor that I had to carry a dictionary with me all the time, but he never made fun of me. I had a part time job in his school. I remember once someone asked me: how do you find Montreal? I did not get the question at all. I was thinking, how? Do I find? What does it mean? How do I find? On the map? The internet? Or what? That was an embarrassing moment because the question was so simple and my face was so red. “ She finds Montreal is very attractive; in fact she is in love with the city. Right, Jingjing?” Dr. Khalifa answered for me, with a sip of tea.

I was in a very confusing stage at that time. Dr. Khalifa talked to me many times; whatever he said seemed light but felt heavy afterwards. He taught how to laugh at yourself and move on. I couldn’t communicate with him very well because of my limited language ability. Looking back, I really wish that I could understand him better and have one last long talk with him.

He died of a heart attack. He was 70. He invited me for Sushi on my 20^th birthday. I loved sushi ever since.

As for D, she had a rare cancer, of her eye. It was so aggressive. It took over her lung, and her life. Very fast, from the first day she went into the hospital till she asked everyone to wear red, not more than 10days. Maybe it’s a treat. Less pain,  less waiting. She was, oh my God, I wrote “WAS” , a very pound person. If she had to lose all her hair and suffer from the treatments, I bet she ‘d rather die. Then, she always had plans for the future. She said to me that she was going to the states for her grandchildren. D wears make up and perfume. She carried herself as a lady. She left, she is only 55.

Dr. Khalifa is sleeping on the valley of “ Mont-Royal”. My own eyes saw how the box went in to the ground. As it disappeared in front of my eye, I could hear Dr. Khalifa was saying: “ Man, I can’t believe all these people actually showed up.” As years go by, I sometimes see him sitting his favorite coffee shop or chatting with someone on the street. When that happens,  I immediately turn my head to another direction. I ‘d rather believe that was him, not some other people deceived my eyes.

I have many pictures of D in my computer. I recalled that we have breakfast in Chez Cora many times. See? This picture, she is having her pie.  I can’t accept the fact that she is gone forever. Who is going to correct my French now?

This is one of the moments that I wish I am religious, so that I can convince myself that they are still existing, somewhere around; so that I can tell myself that they know I miss them deeply and thank them for everything; so that I will keep hoping they will smile back to me, in my dream.

Yeah, let’s talk about the period, the one that all women get.

I remember the first time I got mine. It was the last summer of my primary school. I wasn’t sure that was the legendary period that I have been hearing about and my friends were keep getting. Is that it? Or did I hurt myself? I finally told my mom and wasn’t sure about her reaction. Out of my surprise, mom gave me a lesson, in clam. She said, my jingjing, you are an adult now. I asked, what do I need this period for? What does it do? Why do I have it? Mom explained, it means that you are just like me; you can be a mom too. You will have to be responsible about what you do. I kept asking, is it a bad thing? Oh no, my baby. It is a sign. It means you are not a kid anymore. It will come and visit you every month to remind you that you are a girl, a lady, and a woman.

That was the very first impression I had on my period. I remember my dad even bought me a cake to congratulate me and my grandparents called to tell me that they are happy that I had became a lady. The fact was, my heart and soul was so young and I need my family’s support so much. Luckily, I got more than enough and I had never felt a ashamed or troubled by the period.

My period is always on time. I can feel when it’s coming. I will become so lazy and sleepy. My tummy feels warm and heavy. Then, I know another month has past. Sometimes I imagine that I am in a place where there is no clock and calendars; I will still be able to tell how many days or months have past. My period is smooth on me. I never had horrible pain or non-stop sweating. The only problem I have is that I will have terrible headache at the beginning and the end of my period. I got it from my mom. She was so hoping that I would not get the same problem as her, but I still did. I am happy in a way; I am her daughter.

If you are a man, you will never understand the feeling of having period, which is a pity. You will never have an urge for sitting down; you will never have to say no to ice creams on some days; you will never check the back of your pants when you get up from a chair; you will never experience the pain, as if a ton is hanging a single hair; you will never feel there is a fountain on your body and you just have no control over it.

A women’s period is like an alarm, it tells you everything about your body and life. When women have their periods, they may not appreciate it, till it finished completely, out of their lives, then ladies would say, oh, there is something missing…A woman can be moody when she is having her period, she could be very sensitive, isn’t that the best time to see who truly cares about you ?

Some say, the world belongs to man, because women are weak. They say women are useless, because God gave them period to make them weaker than man. I say, shut up, you. Do you know that having period means youth, energy and maturity? Can you deny that women are the birth givers to all the generations? Have you notice all women can bear the pain from their period even delivery? And this period, month after month, from age of 14, every 28 days, it arrives, till a woman’s body makes a new life, isn’t that a pure miracle? How can you not treat a woman, every woman like treasures?

Being strong while wondering in the endless loneness

Never shed a tear while being deeply hurt

I knew I have a pair of invisible wings, which carry me though all the disappointments

Don’t care if others are showering in the sunshine

I would be satisfied if I can catch a glance of the sunset

I knew I have a pair of invisible wings, which bring me hopes

Finally I can see my dreams are blossoming

I can hear the lucid sound of the youth

Finally I can look straight in to future without hesitation

Gonna surf with the wind

My invisible wings make my dreams flying with me, higher up in the sky

Though the world may take away my pound,

I will hold on to the last wish ,as long as my imagination lives...

Yesterday afternoon, I was walking Taizi and I met a heavily beard man who just saved a dog from the street. He himself is not a rich person, very simple outfit and a broken backpack. He also had a Guitar with him. I guess he is one of those poor musicians who have the warmest hearts. I admire him, living in his own dream and being an animal lover. He told me that he had rescued cats before but he had to give them to him friends instead of keeping them by himself. Why? I asked. He said that he is always on the road, traveling from one place to another. And, the most significant difference between is that, cats need a place called home, a place that they can come back to and sleep in peace; but dogs need a friend, a companion, a master, someone that they can depend on, no matter where they are.

I thanked him for telling that. Very true. I had a cat once, she was always on her own, going out and coming back on her own schedule. She would come to me for petting and food when she felt like to. After I moved, she got nervous for some time. She was confused and kept going back to the old address.

As for Taizi, his eyes are only on me. No matter where we go, the only thing he cares is where I am. He has no problem going into a new place with me, but he doesn’t like staying home alone without me.

People say human beings can be divided into the dog person and the cat person, and I have been thinking which group I belong to. I need freedom, I enjoy wondering around and explore. I don’t need someone to train me. So, am I a cat? I can’t live without friendship and I want be with someone special. So, am I a dog?

Maybe I am dying to have a place that I can always go back to, I need someone being with me on my way home; yet, the world fascinates me, my legs keep running away from settlements; Maybe I know who is the right soul, I know my direction and destiny; yet, I am scared from all the uncertainties, so scared that I ‘d rather be one of the uncertain factors. Maybe I am so ready to be with someone and can’t careless about where I am or where I will be; yet, the nest I had seems so cozy and safe……

So, does that make me a dog,which trapped in a cat’s body?

If you have received a gift,

Would you rip off the wrapping paper and open it right away?

Or, would you untie the bow and unfold the pack slowly?

Would you wear it if it was a dress?

Would you swallow it if it was a piece of chocolate?

Would you spend it if it was hot cash?

Would you hang it if it was a paint?

Or, Would keep it under your pillow and only look at it before you sleep?

Would you hide it in your secrete box and smile whenever you see it?

Would you wipe it, clean it, rub it as time goes by?

Would you hold it against your heart in silence?

Would you like to show and share the moment with others?

Or, would you enjoy the pleasure by yourself?

Have you ever realized that maybe you are a gift to someone?

Or, have you ever realized that someone is a gift to you?

And have you appreciated the arrival time and treated it right?

2006, the year of dog, my sign, my cycle, my fate.

0607, my birthday, Gemini, my destiny.

Things are happening, visible and invisible, tangible or in tangible. So many that my small brain cannot digest all at once and my words wouldn’t get together or come out.

The birthday, people ask me how I spent my time and what I did to cerebrate. Well, I was resting on a bench in the dog park. I decided to lie down and enjoy the breeze; sunshine danced on my cheek though the leaves. I think I actually slept for a minute or two. Out of nowhere, I heard the “ happy birthday” song! Oh my dear God! I saw my friends who I met in the park and I only know their dog names instead of theirs. My jaw was dropped. “ Oh, Thank you guys so much. What a surprise!” “ Hey, you thought we forgot, didn’t you?” They even brought me beer in an ice bag and all other snacks. I hugged and kissed everyone, I was so happy that I felt dizzy. People who I know this little cerebrated my birthday; the home coming birthday which I planned for so long did not happen. Life is full of surprises. Surprises are good.

The graduation, which I am not going to attend. Why? Well, I have earned my degree and I don’t need a ceremony to witness this. I ‘d rather talk to Taizi and tell him all the stories about my professors and make paper planes from my assignments. I don’t think I will miss my university. I will however keep seeing myself sitting in a classroom or arguing with group mates or drinking the 11^th coffee of the day to study. If I have achieved something in pure loneliness, whom else is better than myself to cerebrate with?

I find myself smiling, in all situations.

Finally, I watched this movie, after hearing so much about it.  I try not to remember what other people said about it. I want to see it though by my own raw eyes. Non-deniable that Brokeback Mountain is a beautiful place. A place that is in the middle of nowhere; a place that is filled with running water, humming birds, ever-lasting views and sheep as white as the clouds. It is a place for love, for stories and for memories. Everything is perfect, the way they laugh, they sing, the herd, they fight…the only thing is that they are both male.

In the time and society, which doesn’t accept gays, Jack and Ennis had to hide they relationship and move on with their lives, trying to fit. They both got married and had children, but the deep they bury the love for each other, the larger the explosion is. They are both victims of the time because they sacrificed the love and passion, just to please the rest the community and to look like “normal”. Well, their wives are victims too, I think. The man that you have been sleeping with and having kids with, is not even interested in a female body, what kind of lie is it? Day by day, year by year, there was no happily ever after, for any of them…All Ennis could grab was the shirt, the bloodstained shirt. To remind him Jack’s love, his regretless love.

In most of the places, today, gays and lesbians are still being viewed as different, weird, disgusting and unaccepted. I don’t see why their love is forbidden and punished. Should they lie to themselves and hiding in the closet forever? Should they give up their sexuality so that other people feel more comfortable? Is that not cheating? A lie to their partners? Husband and wives? Is that not a betrayal? To they lovers? Isn’t that true that we are all looking for soul mate? If so, does id matter what kind of body the soul lives in? A life time liar is better that being a gay?

I still think Jack and Ennis are very lucky. Even though they didn’t end up which their true love, they didn’t die in each other’s arms, they still know who is the one, they know who is the one that worth everything, they know that is love, what is passion and they had tasted it, they used up their lives to trade a day to go back to Brokeback mountain, just to be together, to stop the time and enjoy the air called love.

Maybe all of us have a place in mind that is so special, right? Do you have one? That one place which carries a story, a person, a piece of our lives. A place that when people mention its name, our hearts ache. So, do you have such a place in mind? Where is your Brokeback Mountain?

This question is on my mind everyday, from morning till night. Can someone please answer me?

OK, I don’t wanna eat outside everyday because I don’t know what they put in my dish; I don’t wanna clean fish everyday even though I love to have seafood every day; I don’t wanna eat red meet everyday because my stomach feels heavy afterwards; I don’t wanna have salad all the time because I get hungry right away; I don’t wanna cook chicken because I run out of recipe; I don’t wanna make Chinese food all the time because I will smell like a pot; I don’t wanna feed myself with fast food because they are too greasy; I don’t wanna have sushi 5 days a week because I need money to buy my son bones; I don’t wanna fry because then I will have to add oil; I don’t wanna steam because there is no taste; I don’t wanna bake because everytime I burn the material; I don’t wanna sandwish because it’s cold; I don’t wanna barbeque because it’s messy; I don’t wanna rice, bread and noodle because everyone is on the low-carb diet; ……

So, now, tell me, what should I eat?

Yesterday was the very last day that I have class in my university. It was the last day. It was the last class. It’s over. Though I still have a few exams to deal with and some projects to work on; I feel like a hand has released me and it’s letting me go.

I am amazed how differently I would view the same campus.

I supposed that I should write something down for the memory later on even though I am not quite sure what my feelings are right now.

I remember I am rejected the first time when I applied because my English wasn’t good enough. I had very low self-esteem. Somehow I link the level of intelligence when the language abilities. I was disabled. I couldn’t express myself and I didn’t understand others. I wanted to get into university so bad. Only I didn’t know how badly I will want to get out of the university after 4 years.

So, what have I learned?

1, If the course is 100%, I learn maximum 20% in class, and the rest on my own. Among all these “rest”, I learn 70% before the exam. Assignment? What assignment?

2, Not all the group mates can be new friends. Not every group project deserves me to put my heart in.

3, Never say “oh I think he is a good/ bad professor” in the first month of the course.

4, You can actually give a sick note to skip an exam!

5, Don’t buy anything from the café inside the campus.

6, Always, smile and nod.

7, No one really care what you think, very few people would remember your name.

8, University is a place to earn a degree, we will learn the actual stuff when we get to work.

9, Your way is never the only way.

10, The one who talks the most, knows the least.

You are going to ask me, what about accounting, finance, and marketing? You didn’t learn any of them? Yes, I did. The thing is, there all theoretical to me, for now, not worth mentioning at all.

Looking back, I wouldn’t say it’s a rough but it is certainly not easy. I think some of the emotions are better to be chewed up by oneself because not many others will listen and even if they do, they won’t get it anyways.