As another sleepless night comes to its end, my brain kept running as if it quitted resting forever or being afraid of what a new day can bring to me. My right arm is my pillow, the left one is my own hug.  

I was always in control. I could see what was coming and being prepared long before. I had a clear view on my relationships with people. I had no problem expressing myself and feeling being understood; moreover, I could read between the lines when people talk to me or write to me. I knew exactly what I should do. I certainly had problems to deal with, but I dealt with them as if they were all challenges which existed just for me to solve for fun and to prove something to myself. Even if I had thing I couldn’t digest, I built a wall around it and had the ability to not touch it and let it die inside of the castle I built. Content, confident and comfortable; that’s what I was.

One major element, along with all other factors came into my life. I lost it. Not in control anymore, can’t see clearly, can’t behave correctly, can’t think straight, can’t decide without hesitation, and can’t smile with happiness.  

What made me so desperate, so hopeless, so helpless, so vulnerable?

Somehow, I figured out. The fact is, I have never learned how to deal with sadness, how to come to face to face with the distraction, how to swallow the disappointments, how to pull myself together when I am in pieces.

Maybe I should be feeling fortunate for that. Because that means, I have never needed to learn that lesson, never was necessary for me to take the course which is call “sadness management”. That’s true, life was very kind to me, sailing smoothly till recently, life was simple for me, and it allowed me to be insane sometimes as well as childish or naïve from time to time. Never being punished, therefore, never learned.

So now what? I am taking the course anyways, will I have a grade high than a C? So that my GPA for the life program will be having a great overall? Is it really a necessity in life? Is it has to be this painful and bitter? To the point which I could not bear emotionally and physically?

It’s time to be a big girl now, and big girls don’t cry.